Canes are Cool Now

Since it’s almost July, and July is disability pride month, I wanted to talk about something that’s been on my mind. I’ve been having bad chronic pain for years. When I brought it up to my doctor back at the beginning of the pandemic, he threw the term Fibromyalgia at me, but we didn’t really do anything about it. I kind of just put up with the pain. 

Then in April something weird happened. I was having an overly emotional day and all of a sudden my legs kind of gave out and I ended up on my kitchen floor. I texted my best friend about it and she thought it was kind of weird too. 

Days went by and it hadn’t happened again but they kind of just started hurting all the time. They also felt way weaker than normal. 

I mentioned it to my doctor and he sent me for some blood tests and told me to come back in for an in person appointment. Naturally it was going to be a month and a half until I could get back in for that. 

I tried my best to function as normally as possible but I found going for walks was getting harder and harder. Finally, after a weekend away with my wife and mother-in-law, I finally bought myself a cane. 

It’s taken me some time to get okay with using it but I really find it helps for my hour long walks (not that I really do those anymore), or just getting around some days. I don’t always need it, but it’s nice to have it when I do. 

I definitely felt like a fake at first, using it. I don’t know if you’d call that impostor syndrome, but I felt like an imposter using a mobility aid. It wasn’t until I was helping out a friend, that I got over my mental block. 

A friend of mine needed someone to fill in as front of house for an opera. The opera was queer and disabled run and the plot sounded hilarious so I decided to help out. When I got there (cane in tow since I was having a bad leg day) I saw another woman with a cane. I recognized her immediately since she was a disabled opera singer I’d been following on Instagram for a while. We lamented about using the elevator and struggling with groceries and I felt so seen.

Her cane was also the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. It was completely bedazzled. I’ve definitely found them online since then, and I really want one. Anyways, that isn’t the point. The point is, if she can use one but not need it all the time, so could I. When I use it I also think of an old coworker of mine who also uses one and he just makes me feel more like a badass.

I went on vacation for a week after that and it was a lifesaver in Prince George. I didn’t use it a whole lot, but we did go one a few long walks and it was nice to have. 

Since we’ve been back, I’ve gotten more okay with using it. I’m getting to the point where I don’t even care if I see someone I know while using it. It’s been a bit of a mental hurdle, but I’m getting there. 

I finally had my doctor’s appointment and it was frustrating. We ruled out diabetic neuropathy, which is great, but we still don’t know what’s going on. My tests all came back normal, because of course they did. He pushed down on my legs and told me to push up and when I struggled to do that he said, “did you know you have weakness in your legs?” No really? Why do you think I’m here! I did mention that I have a family history of Multiple Sclerosis, so that’s going to be the next thing we test for, but that could be six months from now. I did bring up fibromyalgia again, and he said he was hesitant to diagnose me with that, even though he already did years ago! So I’m nowhere with it. 

For now I’m just doing physio, using my cane when I need to, and getting used to the word disabled. It’s just so tricky to use it for myself when I don’t know what’s wrong. Sometimes I feel like it’s all in my head since it started with strong emotions. However, there are physical consequences. Luckily, my support group has been great and encouraged me on this journey.